a double dose of defiance
socked up and ready to take on pain and inertia
I woke up this morning in more pain than yesterday.
For some, this would be troubling.
Not this fool.
My back was no more sore than the day before.
The difference?
I took less robax.
Even better, my range of motion was much improved. Within a few minutes of waking my feet were fully ‘socked up’. You can’t even begin to imagine how toasty my tootsies were courtesy of the best darn socks that Bass Pro stocked.
As someone awaiting a new job to start, I’ve abandoned all ambition to start or grow a business. Instead? I’m committed to enjoying my time. The world is my oyster and the days are mine.
With a still raw back, moving timber and preparing the yard to build a fence and workshop was off the books.
But could I ride?
Some say don’t exercise when you’re injured. Rest. Repair. Pain is a message from your body telling you to do less.
Others?
Toughen up buttercup.
I bounce between these two voices in my head.
Actually though?
The toughen up buttercup voice tends to win.
Working in vocational rehab, I’ve seen far too many people back away from pain, anxiety or miserable weather.
I can’t do this, it hurts too much, it’s too upsetting.
The excuses were exhausting.
Perhaps I needed to ‘toughen up’ and hang in with these people longer.
That seems reasonable.
But I’m a fool.
As such, I’ve left this work and these people behind me.
Willing to coddle neither others nor myself, I thought to myself Self, if you can’t stack wood today, what can you do?
How far can you go?
What’s possible?
I got on my bike and started to pedal.
With the recent rains I wanted to avoid the worst of the mud and headed out towards the rail trail. The trail was running hard and fast. Though I faced a stiff wind, my wheels rolled effortlessly over the packed dirt.
My back began to feel fine and the wind in my hair felt even better. Once out past onto the dykes, the ocean air was rich with the scent of the spring alge bloom. The southwest wind was directly off the water and left burn marks on the exposed skin between my gloves and my jacket.
Toughen up buttercup I thought to myself. There’s hot coffee at the beach cafe.
With hot coffee on my brain, I kept moving my feet in small circles. Though the chilled ocean air cut through my clothes I felt so fucking alive. I was grateful that I pushed myself.
Five hours later I made my way home with mud on my arse and a grin on my face.
My back?
Though it hurt a bit at first, it feels fine now.
My legs?
They’re fine too. In the shower I noticed contours, muscles that I weren’t there before. I’m getting stronger?
That’s a product of effort, of moving through pain.
It’s easy to hide, to stay inside and to not face our shit.
It’s easy to turn around when we’re hit in the face by the winds of a cold and uncaring world.
It’s easier still to find excuses. There are a lot of good ones if you really go looking.
Beyond that though, there’s always something that’s possible.
There will be days when you’ll be challenged to pull up your socks. Once the socks are on, move on to the your shoes.
After that, go that extra mile. Who knows, there may be a hot cup of coffee waiting along the way.
If you’re stuck, paralyzed by anxiety, by depression.
Keep going.
It’s up to you.
Take steps or pedal your bike. Get things spinning.
The world doesn’t spin for you.
So if you’re depressed or stuck or whatever.
Are you able to walk?
Do you have shoes?
Then get up in the morning.
Go for a twenty minute walk
Every day.
No excuses.
But it’s cold and rainy and I’m too depressed and anxious and -
Is this you?
Let me interrupt you for a minute:
FUCK OFF WITH YOUR MAMBY PAMBY BULLSHIT.
No one is coming to save you.
Nobody cares that you’re depressed.
You need to care.
You need to save yourself.
Can’t stack wood?
Get pedaling.
Don’t have a bike?
Go for a walk
Is it too cold and rainy?
Toughen up buttercup.
And if you can’t go outside?
You know there’s something you can do.
Spend a hour wiggling your toes. Get good at moving one at a time. Shuffle your feet in place with music playing. Whatever. Just friggin’ move.
Dust the house. Stack your pipe cleaners.
Clean your whirligigs with a woozel.
It doesn’t matter what you do, just do something now.
You’ve got this.
Now get moving.
